Taking Care of Myself: Another Journey on My Path to Self-Love

Self-care has not been a strong-suit for me in the past and, to be quite honest, is still a skill I am learning to master. I’ve always been more of a maestro at taking care of everyone else around me. While others may be better skilled than I am at this particular endeavor of self-care, I am very proud of how far I have personally come with regard to learning this element of loving myself. Although it takes a conscious effort on my part, these days I usually do pretty well. However, in adjusting to my new life here in in a new town and at a new school, I can see that there is room for improvement still. Yet, I have a lot of faith in my ability to make the adjustments I need to in order to succeed in reaching my goals, both personally and academically.

I have been responsible with regard to my presence (both physically and mentally) in my classes, studying, and doing my homework in a timely fashion. Likewise, I am financially responsible- what financial problems I do have were created by my ex-husband and I am working toward trying to correct them one day at a time, trying not to let them stress me out too much and keeping everything in perspective. I eat healthy, go to bed at a decent time to get enough sleep, avoid alcohol and drugs, and surround myself with loving, positive people who I can trust, connect with, and feel inspired by when I’m around them. However, the biggest way I take care of myself is through my self-talk and attitude, which I proactively choose every day. Charles R. Swindoll has written about this one thing, which is so crucial, more than once. He writes:

Words can never adequately convey the incredible impact of our attitude toward life. The longer I live the more convinced I become that life is 10 percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we respond to it.

I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my   successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. Attitude keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there’s no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me.

 

Swindoll also maintains that “The pursuit of happiness is a matter of choice…it is a positive attitude we choose to express. It is not a gift delivered to our door each morning, nor does it come through the window. And it is certain that our circumstances are not the things that make us joyful. If we wait for them to get just right, we will never laugh again” (as cited in Coast, n.d.).

I wholeheartedly agree with Swindoll’s assertions and believe the research related to the budding field of positive psychology seems to only bolster his statements. Due to the impact one’s emotional well-being has on one’s physical health and life overall, I think this is the ultimate way one can care for oneself.

However, while I am caring for myself in many ways, I am guilty of occasionally failing to maintain balance between working on helping those in need, pursuing my education, and taking time for myself to both care for myself properly, as well as just relax. It’s needless to say that never having any downtime is not healthy for anyone and I am failing to take care of myself when I don’t allow for this in my life. This balance is the one area that I must continue to work on with regard to self-care and I am a work in progress. Each day, I get a little more skilled at finding that balance and I know that one day I will master that, too. In the meantime, I look to others that may know how to achieve such balance and learn from them as they part their wisdom on me in little doses. It is for this reason that I collect, if you will, mentors I admire in various ways. To model myself after the qualities I admire in them and hope to achieve in myself one day. This, too, could be considered caring for myself, I suppose.

With all things considered, I feel that I am right where I belong and that these challenges are helping me to become a better version of myself- the best me I can hope to be today, tomorrow, and going forward. I am grateful that there are so many wonderful opportunities to grow as a person on so many different levels here at my new school and in my new town, from the inspiring and intellectually brilliant professors who students can learn from both academically and personally to the supportive friends I have made so quickly here. While this adjustment period has presented some stress for me temporarily, it’s also just that- temporary. I’m not worried at all about how I will adjust and I know that this is part of the process in becoming the person I want to be one day. Therefore, I welcome these experiences with open arms and nothing short of excitement.

Works Cited

Coast, M. (n.d.). Quotes About Life. Retrieved October 18, 2013, from Live With Passion Now: http://www.livewithpassionnow.com/quotes-about-life/

Swindoll, C. R. (2009, January 20). The Value of a Positive Attitude. Retrieved October 17, 2013, from Insight: http://daily.insight.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=13123

 

 

Knowing when it’s time to let go…

Sometimes it’s really hard to let go of people you have loved for a long time. It feels like you are losing a part of yourself…if you love them a lot, it can feel like someone is reaching inside of your body, grabbing a handful, and ripping it out. That person might have been such a major part of your life that it almost helped define who you are, a piece of your identity…it would feel wrong not to have it in your life anymore. But sometimes we must let go…we must be willing to empty our hands so that they are free to accept something even better that God has waiting for us.

But how do you know when it’s time to let go? Well, first, if you are asking yourself this question, it’s probably time. Do you have strong personal boundaries? No one should be unkind or disrespectful to you, emotionally, sexually, or physically abuse you, or try to intimidate you with the threat of such things. Now, everyone makes mistakes, but you have to look for patterns. And if there is a pattern of mistreating you, you must accept that it’s time to let that person go no matter how hard or how painful it is. You deserve to be loved, appreciated, respected, and treated with kindness. And if you won’t respect yourself enough to draw AND maintain those boundaries, then no one else will either. We teach people how to treat us. We teach them with our actions, not our words. Words mean nothing if it isn’t followed up with action. The other thing you must realize is that if you maintain abusive relationships with ANYONE, you will never get healthy yourself. You will not be able to heal your self-esteem, learn to assert yourself in healthy ways, end your legacy of co-dependence, gain higher levels of differentiation, and worst of all, if you cannot do any of those things you will never be able to attract healthy relationships going forward in life. You will continue to find relationships that are unfulfilling and unhealthy. You have to decide when the price is just too high to keep allowing someone like that in your life.

You are worth more than you even realize and you deserve all the good things that are waiting for you if you will just trust that if you step into your fear and pain, God/the universe will take care of the rest. There are BLESSINGS just waiting for you! Open your hands to receive them! And start learning to love yourself enough to demand people treat you right. As Joseph Addison said, “Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses, and disappointments; but let us have patience and we soon shall see them in their proper figures.”

Learning to Love Yourself: Taking the Next Step

If you have been the victim of abuse, either you had low self-esteem before you entered the abusive relationship, or the abuse wore you down and now you need to rebuild your self-esteem. When a person hears something enough times, eventually they begin to believe those things are true…even if they are totally, ridiculously false. Imagine that your abuser or a past abuser has told you something bad about yourself for several months, let alone years. You now have the equivalent of “dvd” in your brain that will continue replaying those negative thoughts about yourself over and over. You may not even be aware of it while it’s happening. But your mind is stuck traveling in a pattern that would look like a figure eight, or the symbol for eternity, called the feedback loop. And it’s feeding you back, regurgitating, those vile messages that someone somewhere told you about yourself. So now, even if you get rid of that person who abuses you, you have an inner recording to keep telling you how unworthy you are, how it’s your fault that you are mistreated or abused, that you can’t do anything about it or don’t deserve better for some dumb (and totally false) reason, that you are not good enough, inferior to others in some way, or something, whatever your negative messages may be.

What does your self-talk sound like? Do you tell yourself you’re weak, fat, not that smart, can’t take care of yourself, or anything else negative? Do you tell yourself that you love yourself, that you’re awesome, vivacious, strong, intelligent, resilient, and beautiful? It matters what you say to yourself far more than you might realize.

Something I learned recently from a group of doctors, nurses, and counselors that specialize in this area of expertise is that if you do affirmations 20 times a day for 100 days in a row, you can create a “60 minute dvd” of positive self-talk to replay in your head. It’s important to say them out loud because whoever told you along the way something was bad or wrong with you also did that out loud and you are trying to “undo” whatever they have done. Saying them outloud has a greater impact on your psyche. In addition, if an insult or negative remark is made about you (whether it’s made by someone else, by you, or EVEN made as a JOKE) it will undo ALL of the work you have already done and you’ll have to start over from scratch. So be careful about that because I know the joking around can seem harmless at the time, but you are actually reaffirming the negative self-esteem every time you do it.

Another suggestion on how to remember to do the affirmations every day is to post sticky notes throughout your house where you know you will see them every day. Try placing them on your bathroom mirror, the fridge, the microwave, or on your computer…anywhere that you know you will see them every day and remember to say them out loud. You could even use a whiteboard marker to write on your mirror or a glass surface like a window. Last, and it may sound corny, but it makes a world of difference: Go and look into your own eyes in the mirror. This may be very emotional for some people. Tell yourself “I love you (fill in your name),” and then do 20 affirmations while looking into your own eyes, repeating the first phrase between every 3 or 4 affirmations. Do this for 100 days. By doing it in front of the mirror, and saying the affirmations out loud, there is a powerful effect on your mind. Like I said, it may be quite emotional…you may feel silly, uncomfortable, or even cry. That just means you need to do it even more until you are comfortable loving yourself. After 100 days, you will start to feel a difference and have essentially created your “60 minute dvd” of POSITIVE self-affirmations to attack and eventually replace the negative soundtrack in your head. But be very careful, because even 1 insult, even if done in a joking manner will undo ALL your work and you must then start over. So surround yourself with people who build you up and love you, but above all else, LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!

Learning to Love Yourself: How to Begin and Where to Start

I have been trying to learn how to love myself and felt quite lost as to where to start with that…I am a genuinely good person, but despite living up to my own standards I believe in, I still have yet to truly learn to love myself. I went to confession and, without making any excuses, listed my confession mater of factly, almost like I was reading off a shopping list. The priest, without knowing me personally, or knowing that I am a survivor of abuse, immediately asked me if I was married, and very specific questions about abuse and self-love. He then handed me a green sheet of paper with 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 printed on it and asked me to read it. When I was finished, he told me that my penance was to love myself like that.

I wanted to make sure that he understood what I had done was still my own actions, even if I never would have done them had it not been for the abuse. I wanted to assure him that I was responsible for my own sins (which were all SELF-destructive in nature) and that it was not my ex’s fault even though he had abused me. I told him I didn’t want to get off easy. He told me “This is your penance. I fully understand what your sins are, and you are not getting off easy. Learning to love yourself will not be easy for you. But that is your penance.” I just cried.

I still didn’t know how to even begin to love myself, so at my next counseling appointment I talked to my therapist about it. She said that to start, being patient and kind to myself just as the scripture says about love was the first step. I think that we often have different expectations or ways that we treat ourselves as opposed to how we treat others or what we expect from them. We may be too hard on ourselves, be impatient with ourselves, have unrealistic expectations of perfection, abilities, success, etc…all because we fail to understand that we deserve love not based on our performance, but for simply being who we are…we deserve to be loved just for being uniquely ourselves. So, with that thought, I encourage anyone who reads this to be patient and kind to yourself…when talking to yourself, first decide what you would think, feel, or say to another person with your circumstances and then treat yourself THAT way. Maybe even imagine how you would care for or treat a small child if they were going through whatever you are at the moment, and then care for yourself the way you would for that child. That is how you begin the journey of learning how to love yourself.