Even Mistakes Have Gifts in the End

I loved the quote by Sol Gordon that “In living your life, you will learn lessons. There are no mistakes, only lessons [and they] will be repeated until they are learned.” The reason I love the quote so much is that I have had some pretty hard lessons in life that I kept coming back until I finally learned what I was supposed to with regard to self-love, love from others, relationships, and domestic abuse. The domestic abuse was introduced into my life early in childhood, which can explain why I had lower levels of differentiation, lacked healthy self-esteem, and didn’t know how to find healthy relationships since I had never had one modeled for me. While I tried to avoid ever becoming a victim of abuse in my adult life, I simply hadn’t learned what I needed to in order to be successful at that. What I’m referring to covers many things from “how” to learn to really accept and love myself in a healthy manner, what healthy boundaries are, how to avoid or eliminate enmeshment in my relationships, and (most importantly) what the warning signs of domestic abuse are, as well as that I “can” do better and even deserve more than that. That I am truly worthy of love without abuse, and even that I am better off to be alone than with someone who doesn’t treat me right. When I lacked healthy levels of self-love, I felt like I needed someone else to love me “for me,” if that makes sense. It was very difficult for me to learn that I needed to love myself for myself before I tried to be in a relationship with anyone else. Some of my relationships I couldn’t even recognize that I was being abused because it wasn’t physical abuse. When it came to verbal and emotional abuse, I didn’t recognize it as such and, worse, I treated myself just as badly inside my own head. However, as the years went on, the abuse in my relationships seemed to escalate until it was full-blown life-threatening events that finally got my attention. This is what it took for me to learn the aforementioned lessons, though.

Unfortunately, having been through such extreme abuse included having to deal with physical injuries and related medical issues, PTSD, financial destitution, and even homelessness for a period of time. These are not the easiest things to endure and some take a very long time to from which to recover.  Almost three years later, I am still dealing with the effects of the financial abuse my husband subjected me to and I will be for years to come even though I have left the relationship. While I no longer deal with physical and emotional abuse, the aftermath of the various ways I was abused continue to impact my daily life and add a lot of stress to my life. In addition to the financial problems and their fallout, I also still deal with health issues that the abuse resulted in, which is difficult when you have no medical insurance and are already dealing with financial devastation.

I have given so much in my past relationships to my own detriment, time and time again, and have been left with nothing to show for it and instead have been left cleaning up other people’s messes left behind in their path of destruction. However, I am not bitter and even feel blessed. When people ask me how I can be so happy after such great trauma, how I can approach the world with so much love and resiliency, and basically imply or even come right out and say that these experiences are all so terrible, I always correct them. It hasn’t been all bad. It is because of what I’ve gone through that I am the person I am today. It’s been my own great suffering that has gifted me with such great levels of empathy for others. It’s these hardships that have gifted me with the wisdom to help others in a way that I would otherwise be unable. It is my trauma that has revealed to me how strong I am and gifted me with a confidence that I can survive anything going forward in life… because I already have before. The extreme tragedies I’ve experienced are also what gifted me with an unusual amount of drive and passion to achieve certain goals- a drive unparalleled to anything I had ever seen or knew before. There are so many beautiful things that have come from my hard-knocks in life and, while I consider the catalysts to be a traumatic experiences in themselves, the end results- what I have created with the broken pieces of my life and self- are now amazing blessings and gifts. They simply came in ugly wrapping paper. I wouldn’t change it for the world, though, because I am happier and healthier now than I ever was before. So, you see, lessons do repeat themselves until you have learned them, but everything is a gift. There are no mistakes to regret, only ugly wrapping paper to see beyond. That is what my mistakes have taught me.