Forgiving- Even Forgiving the Unforgivable…

Sometimes people do things that seem unforgivable….and whether they feel remorse for how they have hurt you or another person or not, forgiveness is still a good idea. Why? Because when you withhold your forgiveness from them, it’s not hurting THEM….the person it hurts most is YOU. Withholding forgiveness from someone who has harmed you is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die…and it continues to give that person power over you. Therefore, by forgiving them, whether they deserve your forgiveness or not, you are really TAKING YOUR POWER BACK. You are giving YOURSELF a gift.  You have been a prisoner behind bars you may not even realize exist, and forgiveness pardons your sentence in full, releasing you back to the world as a free person! It is a sign of strength and character to be able to forgive someone, especially those who are not sorry… and it doesn’t mean that what they did is alright, or that you want them to remain in your life. It means that you are going to be kind to yourself and say “This burden is not mine to carry, so carry it for yourself from here.” Not doing so keeps you locked in that mental prison for someone else’s crimes…would you do that in a physical prison? Of course not!  So don’t do it in a mental or emotional prison either- you deserve FREEDOM! Offering your forgiveness means that you are saying that you are ready to stop hurting, that you have dealt with your pain and are ready to move forward into a future filled with happiness and better things.  Time is too precious to waste on the past… the past is a time that is gone and will never come back. When we hold onto grudges, we allow that person to mess up our present and our future, as well. So just forgive them so you don’t waste your own precious energy and time. And when you’re done with all of that, don’t forget to forgive yourSELF, too. For your shortcomings, mistakes, and even for allowing someone to hurt you. You’re only human and it all happens for a reason, so don’t beat yourself up.

 

Learning to Love Yourself: Taking the Next Step

If you have been the victim of abuse, either you had low self-esteem before you entered the abusive relationship, or the abuse wore you down and now you need to rebuild your self-esteem. When a person hears something enough times, eventually they begin to believe those things are true…even if they are totally, ridiculously false. Imagine that your abuser or a past abuser has told you something bad about yourself for several months, let alone years. You now have the equivalent of “dvd” in your brain that will continue replaying those negative thoughts about yourself over and over. You may not even be aware of it while it’s happening. But your mind is stuck traveling in a pattern that would look like a figure eight, or the symbol for eternity, called the feedback loop. And it’s feeding you back, regurgitating, those vile messages that someone somewhere told you about yourself. So now, even if you get rid of that person who abuses you, you have an inner recording to keep telling you how unworthy you are, how it’s your fault that you are mistreated or abused, that you can’t do anything about it or don’t deserve better for some dumb (and totally false) reason, that you are not good enough, inferior to others in some way, or something, whatever your negative messages may be.

What does your self-talk sound like? Do you tell yourself you’re weak, fat, not that smart, can’t take care of yourself, or anything else negative? Do you tell yourself that you love yourself, that you’re awesome, vivacious, strong, intelligent, resilient, and beautiful? It matters what you say to yourself far more than you might realize.

Something I learned recently from a group of doctors, nurses, and counselors that specialize in this area of expertise is that if you do affirmations 20 times a day for 100 days in a row, you can create a “60 minute dvd” of positive self-talk to replay in your head. It’s important to say them out loud because whoever told you along the way something was bad or wrong with you also did that out loud and you are trying to “undo” whatever they have done. Saying them outloud has a greater impact on your psyche. In addition, if an insult or negative remark is made about you (whether it’s made by someone else, by you, or EVEN made as a JOKE) it will undo ALL of the work you have already done and you’ll have to start over from scratch. So be careful about that because I know the joking around can seem harmless at the time, but you are actually reaffirming the negative self-esteem every time you do it.

Another suggestion on how to remember to do the affirmations every day is to post sticky notes throughout your house where you know you will see them every day. Try placing them on your bathroom mirror, the fridge, the microwave, or on your computer…anywhere that you know you will see them every day and remember to say them out loud. You could even use a whiteboard marker to write on your mirror or a glass surface like a window. Last, and it may sound corny, but it makes a world of difference: Go and look into your own eyes in the mirror. This may be very emotional for some people. Tell yourself “I love you (fill in your name),” and then do 20 affirmations while looking into your own eyes, repeating the first phrase between every 3 or 4 affirmations. Do this for 100 days. By doing it in front of the mirror, and saying the affirmations out loud, there is a powerful effect on your mind. Like I said, it may be quite emotional…you may feel silly, uncomfortable, or even cry. That just means you need to do it even more until you are comfortable loving yourself. After 100 days, you will start to feel a difference and have essentially created your “60 minute dvd” of POSITIVE self-affirmations to attack and eventually replace the negative soundtrack in your head. But be very careful, because even 1 insult, even if done in a joking manner will undo ALL your work and you must then start over. So surround yourself with people who build you up and love you, but above all else, LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!