Knowing when it’s time to let go…

Sometimes it’s really hard to let go of people you have loved for a long time. It feels like you are losing a part of yourself…if you love them a lot, it can feel like someone is reaching inside of your body, grabbing a handful, and ripping it out. That person might have been such a major part of your life that it almost helped define who you are, a piece of your identity…it would feel wrong not to have it in your life anymore. But sometimes we must let go…we must be willing to empty our hands so that they are free to accept something even better that God has waiting for us.

But how do you know when it’s time to let go? Well, first, if you are asking yourself this question, it’s probably time. Do you have strong personal boundaries? No one should be unkind or disrespectful to you, emotionally, sexually, or physically abuse you, or try to intimidate you with the threat of such things. Now, everyone makes mistakes, but you have to look for patterns. And if there is a pattern of mistreating you, you must accept that it’s time to let that person go no matter how hard or how painful it is. You deserve to be loved, appreciated, respected, and treated with kindness. And if you won’t respect yourself enough to draw AND maintain those boundaries, then no one else will either. We teach people how to treat us. We teach them with our actions, not our words. Words mean nothing if it isn’t followed up with action. The other thing you must realize is that if you maintain abusive relationships with ANYONE, you will never get healthy yourself. You will not be able to heal your self-esteem, learn to assert yourself in healthy ways, end your legacy of co-dependence, gain higher levels of differentiation, and worst of all, if you cannot do any of those things you will never be able to attract healthy relationships going forward in life. You will continue to find relationships that are unfulfilling and unhealthy. You have to decide when the price is just too high to keep allowing someone like that in your life.

You are worth more than you even realize and you deserve all the good things that are waiting for you if you will just trust that if you step into your fear and pain, God/the universe will take care of the rest. There are BLESSINGS just waiting for you! Open your hands to receive them! And start learning to love yourself enough to demand people treat you right. As Joseph Addison said, “Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses, and disappointments; but let us have patience and we soon shall see them in their proper figures.”

Gaslighting: What it is, how to spot it, and what to do after that.

Gaslighting is a common technique that abusers employ. In this technique, the abuser purposely tried to manipulate and skew the victim’s sense of reality. This is an attempt to make the victim doubt their own view of the world around them, of what is true, of what is happening to them or who is to blame for certain things that are happening within the relationship. It’s a way for the abuser to gain a greater level of power and control over the victim. Often, the gaslighter will flat out tell the victim they are “crazy,” but it’s not even necessary to verbalize that particular word to the victim because the gaslighting itself will make the victim FEEL like they are losing their mind. Once the victim has allowed the gaslighter to define their reality, they become weak and vulnerable, even if they were strong to start out. The gaslightee will continuously doubt themselves and their interpretation of events and people’s actions, especially the abuser, because the trust in oneself is shattered.

But how does one get to this point? It happens in distinct stages that are similar to the stages of grieving. The first stage is disbelief, in which the victim will give the abuser the benefit of the doubt for behavior that is definitely outside of the bell curve for what’s considered normal. Why? Because they give people too much of the benefit of the doubt all the time, because they really like the abuser (they don’t realize that the abuser IS abusive, though), because they are too nice, because they are wounded souls desperate to just be loved, or any combination of these reasons. That is not to say it is in ANY way their fault. Quite the contrary, because it only means that they were vulnerable and did “allow” the gaslighter to gain a foothold over their sense of reality piece by piece. It’s important to acknowledge this because if you can identify the problem, not only in the abusers, but in yourself, you can FIX it. It gives you your POWER back.

The next stage is defense. When the gaslightee confronts the gaslighter, the abuser does not respond to the victim’s concerns. In fact, they won’t acknowledge the problem at all. Instead, they will tell the victim that they’re too sensitive, thin-skinned, nit-picky, crazy, or find some way to blame the victim, as well as negate that there is a problem at all. This is key- negating that there is an issue at all is the foundation of gaslighting because this is where the gaslighter now distorts the victim’s reality. This will go on and on until the victim believes they are crazy, too, and gives up defending themselves to the abuser. Worse, the victim starts trying to control the situation, to avoid further abuse, by doing more and more to please the abuser. They will kill themselves attempting to solve the problems and keep them from popping up again, but it won’t work because the abuser is PURPOSELY causing these situation to CONTROL THE VICTIM. There is absolutely nothing that will stop them from gaslighting no matter how hard the victim tries.

The last stage is depression, in which the victim has been convinced that they truly “are” the problem within the relationship, has become isolated from friends and family, and is constantly walking on egg shells because they do not want to keep failing their abuser as they have come to believe through the manipulation of gaslighting.

Once you realize that you are being gaslighted, the best thing to do is start making a plan on how to safely exit the relationship permanently. Go to a domestic abuse center in your area and ask to work with an advocate on safety planning, as well as any other issues the advocate determines you may need help with after hearing your personal story. Do not share with your abuser that you know what they are doing, that you think they are abusive, or that you are planning to leave them because this greatly increases the risk of the abuse escalating. Create a safety plan discreetely.

**Here is a list of warning signs that I got from Robin Stern, who is a licensed psychoanalyst in private practice and the author of “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life”:

1.You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy.
4. You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss, etc.
5. You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
13. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
14. You wonder if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend/daughter/etc.

…and here’s one more from me:

15. Any time you are asking yourself questions like “Am I being abused?,” or in this case, “Am I being gaslighted?,” you probably are or else you wouldn’t be wondering.

Domestic Abuse Wheel of Power and Control